Oh wow, it's been a minute since I've done a Top 5! This post has been in my draft folder for literally years because I was always one short. But thankfully, an inspired tweet finally sparked the last, and obvious, addition.
Some context: there are a select few monologues from various TV and cinema that I like to keep in my back pocket, ready to whip out if the opportunity arises (so far, only Alex has witnessed this, and usually only when I've had one too many drinks). Some of them I can recite word for word, the others I aspire to learn in full, so I'm putting them here for easy reference.
And yes, I'm aware that all 5 of these favorites are of are white guys talking nonstop for several minutes, most of them stemming from my teenage days of worshipping boomer media. I still think they are 5 of the greatest, most quotable, most self-aware recitations on film, but I hereby challenge myself to expand my monologue repertoire in the future. Without further ado......
Paul Simon takes himself sooooo seriously
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYJTq75vc5c
"That was a UFO, beamin' back at ya" (ok, this one's not exactly a monologue...but get you a partner who can recite Dennis Hopper's lines and you're in business)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeUVKAQsXyc
Mike Nesmith hates birthday parties - "And I'll tell ya somethin' else too....the same thing goes for Christmas."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDPdCqCQrL8
Wally Brando ruminates about Lewis and his friend Clark (monologue starts at 2:55 but really the whole thing is eminently quotable)
"The sea was angry that day, my friends."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a3TZC69tSg
10000000 bonus points for the Seinfeld-Twin Peaks mashup version of this monologue, which is still the greatest work of art I've seen in 2023 thus far.